Have you ever felt like things weren't right? That no matter what you did, you were deceiving yourself? I know I felt that way for a long time. This is part of my journey. Being born into a Catholic family I was always told that I should behave and act a certain way or else I would burn in a fiery pit of Hell for eternity. Hmmm, could it be true?
Despite all of this indoctrination, I could never reconcile what I felt with what I was being told. So, my journey began. For a number of years, I would say from the teenage years to about my early twenties, I had no spiritual direction. In those years, I dabbled, albeit lightly, into the Occult like so many disillusioned teenagers did. Even that did not fill the void of being empty of spirituality. At around the age of twenty three, I came to what I thought back then as a revelation. Instead of following established doctrine, I had decided to take matters into my own hands.
What I did was I chose to believe in a "God", or a supreme being. Not the same "God" as in any established religions, but a sort of creator of sorts with a twist. I didn't make any claims that I knew exactly how things worked, but that didn't matter. I now felt like I was spiritually whole again. I would pray every night for the well being of friends and family and even when my father passed away nine years ago my belief and faith held strong. In fact, if anything, it became stronger. For many years, up until I was the age of thirty five, I held true to that belief.
Fast forward a bit to the year 2007. This is the year that my belief started to get a bit shaky. In December of that year, my mother had an incident. I was at work when I got a call from my sister asking me if I knew where our mother was. I said that she should be home. She called me about it because she said she tried calling home and no one answered. Since she lived near our house, she said she was going to take a walk over to see if everything was okay. Once she got there, she saw my mother lying on the kitchen floor, unable to get up. My mother at the time was seventy four years old, and had pretty serious arthritis on her knees and one hip. After she fell, she simply could not get herself up.
Needless to say, she was brought to the hospital. It turned out that she had apparently drunk some alcohol and with the amount of medication she was on, it probably did her in. As a matter of fact, she seemed pretty drunk even by the time she was in the hospital. Now, someone of that age, firstly should not be drinking, was kept at the emergency room while they ran some tests and made sure she didn't break any bones, especially her hips. All looked good from that aspect, but for some reason, the doctor said that they needed to keep her there a bit longer while they performed some further tests. She didn't say immediately what the test were for, but eventually she told us it was for her heart. Apparently, my mother had a condition with her heart that required her to have a pacemaker put in. To make a long story short, she ended up spending the Christmas holidays in the hospital while waiting for the surgery.
During her stay at the hospital, I of course prayed for her well being and a speedy recovery. When the operation finally took place, it went through without a hitch. They kept her at the hospital for a couple of days past the surgery, just to ensure everything was good and finally released her in time to have her home for New Years. This incident, and certain details of what occurred while my mother was in the emergency room that I will not disclose, started me on the shaky path. But, still I held firm even though seeds of doubt had begun to sprout.
After my mother was back home from the hospital, all looked well. She actually started to look and feel better than before the surgery. This was great news and helped to suppress those seeds of doubt for a little while. Now, fast forward a little bit again to April 6, 2009. My mom's 75th birthday. On that day, my mom wanted to make a special dinner to celebrate her 75th birthday with us. But, that didn't occur. Instead, we hear a big thumb from the kitchen. My brother, my sister and myself all ran to the kitchen and saw once again that my mother was on the ground. This time however, she had managed to hit her head on something and she split her eyebrow open, right to the bone. Immediately, my brother took her to the walk in clinic just up the street, and they advised him to take her to the hospital right away. So he did. Off to the same hospital where she was back in December to have the pacemaker put in.
Instead of spending her birthday with her family and a nice meal, she spend pretty much the whole day in emergency once again. Waiting for a doctor to see her and to stitch her eyebrow. Once all was said and done, we didn't get back home until around 7pm. Now those seeds in my head started to vibrate a little, and maybe even formed a little crack so that they can grow. Again, being the stubborn mule that I sometimes can be, I held true to my belief, even if I started having doubts.
Well, the fun didn't stop there. In June of 2009, the same year as the eyebrow incident, my mother suffered a stroke. My mother already started exhibiting signs of early Alzheimer's and suffering this stroke progressed it along even quicker. The part of the brain that was damaged was in the back of the head, the part that is responsible for short term memory. This really did a number on me, and seeing my mother after her stroke forget simple things and say things that didn't make any sense really exploded those seeds into full grown plants.
This is where my journey into darkness began. I was depressed for a while because of all the things that happened and because finally, my faith, my belief, was utterly destroyed and I was left with a big void again. This is the same faith and belief that stood strong when my father passed away. Now, I was empty, I didn't know what to believe any more. Again, I turned to the Occult for some reprieve from this sense of loss, but none came. To think that I could easily replace what I have lost by reading some books about other people's beliefs is deceiving myself. This is a journey that I must make yet again and must do it on my own. I have finally come to terms with that fact that I am and have always been dark. Not Evil, but dark. I prefer all things dark; hence the name of this blog, "All Things Dark". It's a journey that could very well take me the rest of my life to figure out, but it's a journey that I must none the less take. I just hope that in the process, I am finally able to truly come to a deeper understanding of myself and life as a whole.
Dorrian Knight
Wednesday, 21 December 2011
Tuesday, 20 December 2011
Precious Little Time
We've all heard the expression "life is short". How many of us really sit down and contemplate that? I know I'm guilty of not thinking about it as much as I should. When I look at the world around me, I see people in a hurry to go to work, run errands, etc. It's a sad state of affairs when you really think about it. Have we forgotten that we live on this planet, this physical realm but for a short period of time? Hey, I know I have forgotten that many times myself.
It's very easy to get lost in the everyday, mundane ins and outs of the daily grind. We all have bills to pay, some more than others. But, what about after work? Why all the rushing then? There's only so much that we can accomplish in this world if we don't take a step back and just contemplate why we are really here and what is really important. Is a high paying job worth living a miserable life at home? Does making more money really afford you more love from your spouse and children? If it does, than I think you really need to re-evaluate your relationship. Money isn't everything, as long as you make enough to have a decent life, that should be all that matters. What really counts is what you make of your life outside work. With your family and friends.
Think about this; back in the old days...I'm talking about not all that long ago...life was simpler. By no means do I suggest that it was easier, but it was simpler. People knew what needed to be done. They went to work, and when they were done with work, they were at home spending time with their families. Now, does that mean that family life for everyone was peachy and rosy? No, of course not. That depends on the individuals. But, there wasn't this incessant need to make more money so that they could buy yet another bigger house or a second or third car. You worked to live and to have a comfortable life.
The irony in this is that I am using a piece of technology that was designed to make life simpler but instead has made life more difficult. With the advent of the computer, which was supposed to make people's lives a lot easier, a whole new job market place opened up. People might say, "but that is a good thing...more jobs". Well, the way I see it is this. What used to be called a 'Secretary' used to have to type out letter on a typewriter. Come on, anyone know what that is? That's right, a TYPEWRITER. Think about this...using a typewriter didn't mean that you typed any slower than you would using a computer, it just meant that if you made a mistake, you most likely had to start all over. Now, fast forward to the present, if you make a mistake typing out a letter on a computer, all you have to do is hit the backspace and type the word out again, or use spell check.
This cut down the time it potentially took for someone to type out a letter. Thinking logically, this would mean that you ought to have more time right? But, realistically, all this means is that now that you can type a document out a lot quicker because of not having to start over, you have more time to work on more documents. All that is fine and dandy until it got to a point now where the employers saw this as a means to exploit. Work load doubled, if not tripled, which in turn meant that our stress level now rose up accordingly as well.
Oh, about the more jobs thing. Yes, the advent of the computer spawned more jobs. Computer programmers were needed, IT people were needed, computer technicians were needed, and so on. But, here's the downside...and as the saying goes, "For every action, there is and equal and opposite reaction!" While a lot of new jobs were created, a lot also became obsolete. Computers helped automate our society to the point where people lost their jobs and their dignity in some cases. For the younger generation it wasn't as much of a problem because they grew up with computers and went to school to learn about computers. But, for the older generation, it meant that they were outed by a machine and now they had to look for work in an ever changing work environment. That's not an easy pill to swallow.
In all of this craziness, the biggest thing we lost is ourselves. Our sense of family, our sense of selves. We spend most of our time today thinking about what else to get and how to get it as opposed to devoting our time in making things work with ourselves and family. We've distanced ourselves from what is real in exchange for material things that only bring temporary happiness. Don't get me wrong, I am just as guilty of this myself. I have grown up with the computer revolution and even went to school to study computer programming, although I didn't finish the course because I got bored.
Another thing that computers have replaced, aside from jobs, is our sense of spirituality. Now, I don't want to get into a long winded conversation about religion, but regardless of your beliefs, this is still the case. Most of us have a yearning to feel like we belong to something that is bigger than us, but the problem is that most of us today think that money and material objects are what is needed in order to feel like we are a part of something bigger. I'm afraid that isn't the case. Getting that new gadget, as nice and cool as it might be, isn't going to fill that void you feel at the back of your head or in the depths of your heart. Believe me, I've been down that path before. What is going to fill that void is some serious soul searching. Finding out what resonates with you! Whether that be an established religion, or an off the beaten path belief. It doesn't and shouldn't really matter, as long as the end result is that you are spiritually fulfilled and happy. Because believe me, in the end, we are only here for a short time after all!
Dorrian Knight
It's very easy to get lost in the everyday, mundane ins and outs of the daily grind. We all have bills to pay, some more than others. But, what about after work? Why all the rushing then? There's only so much that we can accomplish in this world if we don't take a step back and just contemplate why we are really here and what is really important. Is a high paying job worth living a miserable life at home? Does making more money really afford you more love from your spouse and children? If it does, than I think you really need to re-evaluate your relationship. Money isn't everything, as long as you make enough to have a decent life, that should be all that matters. What really counts is what you make of your life outside work. With your family and friends.
Think about this; back in the old days...I'm talking about not all that long ago...life was simpler. By no means do I suggest that it was easier, but it was simpler. People knew what needed to be done. They went to work, and when they were done with work, they were at home spending time with their families. Now, does that mean that family life for everyone was peachy and rosy? No, of course not. That depends on the individuals. But, there wasn't this incessant need to make more money so that they could buy yet another bigger house or a second or third car. You worked to live and to have a comfortable life.
The irony in this is that I am using a piece of technology that was designed to make life simpler but instead has made life more difficult. With the advent of the computer, which was supposed to make people's lives a lot easier, a whole new job market place opened up. People might say, "but that is a good thing...more jobs". Well, the way I see it is this. What used to be called a 'Secretary' used to have to type out letter on a typewriter. Come on, anyone know what that is? That's right, a TYPEWRITER. Think about this...using a typewriter didn't mean that you typed any slower than you would using a computer, it just meant that if you made a mistake, you most likely had to start all over. Now, fast forward to the present, if you make a mistake typing out a letter on a computer, all you have to do is hit the backspace and type the word out again, or use spell check.
This cut down the time it potentially took for someone to type out a letter. Thinking logically, this would mean that you ought to have more time right? But, realistically, all this means is that now that you can type a document out a lot quicker because of not having to start over, you have more time to work on more documents. All that is fine and dandy until it got to a point now where the employers saw this as a means to exploit. Work load doubled, if not tripled, which in turn meant that our stress level now rose up accordingly as well.
Oh, about the more jobs thing. Yes, the advent of the computer spawned more jobs. Computer programmers were needed, IT people were needed, computer technicians were needed, and so on. But, here's the downside...and as the saying goes, "For every action, there is and equal and opposite reaction!" While a lot of new jobs were created, a lot also became obsolete. Computers helped automate our society to the point where people lost their jobs and their dignity in some cases. For the younger generation it wasn't as much of a problem because they grew up with computers and went to school to learn about computers. But, for the older generation, it meant that they were outed by a machine and now they had to look for work in an ever changing work environment. That's not an easy pill to swallow.
In all of this craziness, the biggest thing we lost is ourselves. Our sense of family, our sense of selves. We spend most of our time today thinking about what else to get and how to get it as opposed to devoting our time in making things work with ourselves and family. We've distanced ourselves from what is real in exchange for material things that only bring temporary happiness. Don't get me wrong, I am just as guilty of this myself. I have grown up with the computer revolution and even went to school to study computer programming, although I didn't finish the course because I got bored.
Another thing that computers have replaced, aside from jobs, is our sense of spirituality. Now, I don't want to get into a long winded conversation about religion, but regardless of your beliefs, this is still the case. Most of us have a yearning to feel like we belong to something that is bigger than us, but the problem is that most of us today think that money and material objects are what is needed in order to feel like we are a part of something bigger. I'm afraid that isn't the case. Getting that new gadget, as nice and cool as it might be, isn't going to fill that void you feel at the back of your head or in the depths of your heart. Believe me, I've been down that path before. What is going to fill that void is some serious soul searching. Finding out what resonates with you! Whether that be an established religion, or an off the beaten path belief. It doesn't and shouldn't really matter, as long as the end result is that you are spiritually fulfilled and happy. Because believe me, in the end, we are only here for a short time after all!
Dorrian Knight
Wednesday, 14 December 2011
Memoires from the Dark Side
Walking down a poorly lit street, a nightmare to some, but heaven to me!
As I tread this earthly realm full of despair and misery, I can't help but wonder whether it is all a trick. Are we being led on by some overseer; a power hungry overlord that plays with our strings like marionettes? Are we meant to suffer alone in this world and sometimes share our suffering with others? I can't fathom being in a world where we are led astray so many times and only occasionally shown snippets of hope here and there.
The story of my life is no different than the story of many other people's lives. We struggle to survive day to day, trying to make ends meet. But it sometime seems as if there are not "ENDS" for us to meet. How is it possible that we have created a world where misery and pain are predominant in most people's lives as opposed to happiness and joy? What confuses me even more is that we are being told that this way of life is the best way of life...repeatedly.
Often people wonder why anyone would willingly choose the 'Dark Path'; in a lot of cases I would say that because people have become disillusioned with the way things are in this world. Wars are being fought over things that should rightfully be shared; people are stabbing others in the back just to get a little leverage...and so on. For me, walking the "Dark Path' has always felt natural, although as I've stated in prior posts, I was in denial for a while.
Walking this path has afforded me a new perspective on life. I don't pretend that things are going to be alright anymore, even if sometimes I wish they were. I don't pretend that people in general are going to be nice to one another, cause historically, that hasn't been the case. People have killed one another over stupid things such as a belief in a supernatural being, that quite frankly, I don't believe exists; while at the same time condemning violence in other cultures. Now there's some food for thought!
I no longer wish to partake in a society that continuously lies, cheats and kills. But, at the same time, I don't have much of an option but to live here and blend in. However, that being said, it doesn't mean that I have to believe in the beliefs that are espoused. I just have to bide my time until it's my turn to move on to another realm of existence where hopefully life will be a lot better. A place where there is no needless violence; a place where we are free to pursue whatever passion we desire, whether physical or spiritual. Until then, I have to unfortunately fit in to some degree and play the good little proverbial sheep so that I can eek out a somewhat manageable standard of living.
Dorrian Knight
As I tread this earthly realm full of despair and misery, I can't help but wonder whether it is all a trick. Are we being led on by some overseer; a power hungry overlord that plays with our strings like marionettes? Are we meant to suffer alone in this world and sometimes share our suffering with others? I can't fathom being in a world where we are led astray so many times and only occasionally shown snippets of hope here and there.
The story of my life is no different than the story of many other people's lives. We struggle to survive day to day, trying to make ends meet. But it sometime seems as if there are not "ENDS" for us to meet. How is it possible that we have created a world where misery and pain are predominant in most people's lives as opposed to happiness and joy? What confuses me even more is that we are being told that this way of life is the best way of life...repeatedly.
Often people wonder why anyone would willingly choose the 'Dark Path'; in a lot of cases I would say that because people have become disillusioned with the way things are in this world. Wars are being fought over things that should rightfully be shared; people are stabbing others in the back just to get a little leverage...and so on. For me, walking the "Dark Path' has always felt natural, although as I've stated in prior posts, I was in denial for a while.
Walking this path has afforded me a new perspective on life. I don't pretend that things are going to be alright anymore, even if sometimes I wish they were. I don't pretend that people in general are going to be nice to one another, cause historically, that hasn't been the case. People have killed one another over stupid things such as a belief in a supernatural being, that quite frankly, I don't believe exists; while at the same time condemning violence in other cultures. Now there's some food for thought!
I no longer wish to partake in a society that continuously lies, cheats and kills. But, at the same time, I don't have much of an option but to live here and blend in. However, that being said, it doesn't mean that I have to believe in the beliefs that are espoused. I just have to bide my time until it's my turn to move on to another realm of existence where hopefully life will be a lot better. A place where there is no needless violence; a place where we are free to pursue whatever passion we desire, whether physical or spiritual. Until then, I have to unfortunately fit in to some degree and play the good little proverbial sheep so that I can eek out a somewhat manageable standard of living.
Dorrian Knight
Thursday, 1 December 2011
Confusion Anyone?
As the mist in my mind swirls ever so violently, I am left to wonder what my next actions are. I know that I am, and have been for most of my life, a child of darkness, but it seems like inside my head there is a battle raging for supremacy. I enjoy the night, I like horror movies, I listen to dark music and so on. With this, one would think that it should be pretty cut and dry, but it isn't.
As I stated in a previous post, I don't consider myself evil, although like many people, do have the capacity to be so if the circumstances are right. I don't purposely hurt people, in fact, I help whenever I can. It's just a lifestyle and what I associate myself with that I would deem to be dark.
For many years I basically lied to myself and acted as if I were someone from the light. This didn't work out too well as it should be obvious with the fact that I created this blog. I prayed to what I believed was 'God' nightly and when it seemed as if none of my prayers were even remotely answered, I gave up. I know the argument of "God works in mysterious ways..." Blah, blah, blah. All the sayings that people come up with with regards to 'God' not answering your prayers are just ways out. It's easy to say things like that when prayers aren't answered. So the question I posed to myself was, "What's the use?" Why am I wasting my time with this if not even one of my prayers are answered. Let me guess, it's a test right?
So, now fast forward to today, and I don't pray to anyone, or anything anymore. That's good right? Well, the problem with that is that I now have a gaping hole that has been left in me. So what do I do now? Do I go back to praying and eventually stop when I realize yet again that none of them will be answered? Or do I just linger in limbo as I have been doing for the past couple of years, not praying and not knowing what to believe anymore. This is the conundrum I am faced with. I recognize the fact that I am a darkling (that's what I like to call it) but am still left with a gaping hole even though I thought I finally found what I am.
Recently I have started to meditate again, on an extremely basic and limited level. As time goes on, I hope that I will be able to progress with my meditation and hopefully find some answers that I am looking for. And also, I am hoping that this battle that is going on inside my head, this confusion will cease as a result. Until then, I will have to brave whatever obstacle I come across on my own, without any spiritual guidance.
Dorrian Knight.
As I stated in a previous post, I don't consider myself evil, although like many people, do have the capacity to be so if the circumstances are right. I don't purposely hurt people, in fact, I help whenever I can. It's just a lifestyle and what I associate myself with that I would deem to be dark.
For many years I basically lied to myself and acted as if I were someone from the light. This didn't work out too well as it should be obvious with the fact that I created this blog. I prayed to what I believed was 'God' nightly and when it seemed as if none of my prayers were even remotely answered, I gave up. I know the argument of "God works in mysterious ways..." Blah, blah, blah. All the sayings that people come up with with regards to 'God' not answering your prayers are just ways out. It's easy to say things like that when prayers aren't answered. So the question I posed to myself was, "What's the use?" Why am I wasting my time with this if not even one of my prayers are answered. Let me guess, it's a test right?
So, now fast forward to today, and I don't pray to anyone, or anything anymore. That's good right? Well, the problem with that is that I now have a gaping hole that has been left in me. So what do I do now? Do I go back to praying and eventually stop when I realize yet again that none of them will be answered? Or do I just linger in limbo as I have been doing for the past couple of years, not praying and not knowing what to believe anymore. This is the conundrum I am faced with. I recognize the fact that I am a darkling (that's what I like to call it) but am still left with a gaping hole even though I thought I finally found what I am.
Recently I have started to meditate again, on an extremely basic and limited level. As time goes on, I hope that I will be able to progress with my meditation and hopefully find some answers that I am looking for. And also, I am hoping that this battle that is going on inside my head, this confusion will cease as a result. Until then, I will have to brave whatever obstacle I come across on my own, without any spiritual guidance.
Dorrian Knight.
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