Confusion Anyone?

As the mist in my mind swirls ever so violently, I am left to wonder what my next actions are.  I know that I am, and have been for most of my life, a child of darkness, but it seems like inside my head there is a battle raging for supremacy.  I enjoy the night, I like horror movies, I listen to dark music and so on.  With this, one would think that it should be pretty cut and dry, but it isn't.

As I stated in a previous post, I don't consider myself evil, although like many people, do have the capacity to be so if the circumstances are right.  I don't purposely hurt people, in fact, I help whenever I can.  It's just a lifestyle and what I associate myself with that I would deem to be dark.

For many years I basically lied to myself and acted as if I were someone from the light.  This didn't work out too well as it should be obvious with the fact that I created this blog.  I prayed to what I believed was 'God' nightly and when it seemed as if none of my prayers were even remotely answered, I gave up.  I know the argument of "God works in mysterious ways..."  Blah, blah, blah.  All the sayings that people come up with with regards to 'God' not answering your prayers are just ways out.  It's easy to say things like that when prayers aren't answered.  So the question I posed to myself was, "What's the use?"  Why am I wasting my time with this if not even one of my prayers are answered.  Let me guess, it's a test right?

So, now fast forward to today, and I don't pray to anyone, or anything anymore.  That's good right?  Well, the problem with that is that I now have a gaping hole that has been left in me.  So what do I do now?  Do I go back to praying and eventually stop when I realize yet again that none of them will be answered?  Or do I just linger in limbo as I have been doing for the past couple of years, not praying and not knowing what to believe anymore. This is the conundrum I am faced with.  I recognize the fact that I am a darkling (that's what I like to call it) but am still left with a gaping hole even though I thought I finally found what I am.

Recently I have started to meditate again, on an extremely basic and limited level.  As time goes on, I hope that I will be able to progress with my meditation and hopefully find some answers that I am looking for.  And also, I am hoping that this battle that is going on inside my head, this confusion will cease as a result.  Until then, I will have to brave whatever obstacle I come across on my own, without any spiritual guidance.

Dorrian Knight.